HOW TO SURVIVE A SNARK (CHORUS/SNEER/CHATTERING) OF FILM CRITICS:

  WARNING:

THIS IS A SATIRE PIECE. SIDE-EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE UNNECESSARY  KOPPELING(CATCHING) OF FEELINGS.

PREVIEW: “IN A WORLD filled with mediocre and recycled movies, where directors and studio heads constantly clash following creative differences, one job title will change views with their only weapon…AN OPINION!”

Before, not everyone who was a cinephile was a film critic and vice-versa. But thanks to the internet they’ve become one and the same and the door is wide open, with a prestige welcoming mat, for those who suffer from Cinephilia.

We have a great urge to either ruthlessly tear a movie to pieces or express warm approval and admiration and what better way to treat this than having the freedom to write or Vlog about it? This outlet seems easier than forcefully annoying people with our complaints or talking their ear off with commendations…with them losing a limb and us losing our minds. It goes without saying that we are an unusual breed who battle each other with film knowledge and trivia. A ferocious debate with a lack of compromise, which might seem competitive and juvenile to an onlooker, but is just friendly banter to us.

We are the subjective assholes of the writing world. The narrow-minded dicks of the future. And the proverbial trolls of the internet. However, we have embraced our place where our costly thoughts either garner haters or gain supporters. We want to believe that we’re open-minded but our cocksure and strongly opinionated nature makes it hard for us to have a truly objective discussion without hissing or mocking. But hey, some are honestly working on it!

If you have ever been surrounded by Film Critics or cinephiles, you’re likely to know how overwhelming it can be. Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse could possibly be easier than enduring talks with extreme but passionate lovers of critiquing film. In these extreme cases, it feels like watching hungry hyenas biting each other’s heads off to get some movie fact in. You’ll question whether or not they’ve come to see a film or win debates. I was even questioned by a friend whether or not something will happen to film critics once they compromise. “Does a chip in their brain explode or something?”

So how does one survive or interact with film critics, if you have little to no film knowledge? Read our new series to find out:

SURVIVAL TIP 1:

 NEVER MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT

  • Direct eye contact signifies a challenge or threat…TO THE DEATH (not really).

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  • Which is followed by either submitting or battling.

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  • If you submit, quickly gaze to the ground and “Meow” three times. This indicates you’re a PUSSY cat, harmless and surrendering.

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  • If you choose to battle, be prepared to die…of boredom in the form of a glossary of film terms.

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  • Give a stank eye or crazy eyes and utter the words “So about Roman Polanski and Woody Allen, your thoughts?” This will intimidate and buy you time to recoup!

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STAY TUNED FOR MORE…(DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!!!)

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