Valentine’s Day is wrapped up in more consumerist & capitalist cheese and corn than a mielie deep fried in cheddar that’s sold at Woolworths. For all the chocolate hearts and kisses it brings, for every red rose, for every reminder that romance still needs to be upheld, there is an equal amount of bitterness and hate towards the 14 of February.
So, if Valentine’s Day is not your thing and you want to have a movie night without the pressure of St. Valentine force-feeding a heart-shaped candy down your throat, then check out the list below. A list of films for your anti- valentine’s movie night that will give cupid the finger.
-A slasher film about unrequited Ducky love going horribly, horribly wrong. Will you be my Valentine? Don’t say no. Say yes.
-Birthdays and Valentine’s Day is basically guaranteed sex day right? Nope. Not when you have teeth in your vagina.
It Follows (2014)
-This is the longest and creepiest abstinence film I’ve ever watched. A Sexually Transmitted Demon (STD)? A sexually transmitted ghost? What is it? Yeah, so no action tonight or ever.
Gone Girl (2014)
You only need this quote, “What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?” Is the one you’re with a sociopath? A psychopath? Are you scared? You should be.
Blue Valentine (2010)
-Happily ever after? There ain’t no such thing. The reasons that brought you two together will fade with time and you will forget why you are together in the first place.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Imagine being so heartbroken that you want to erase all memories of your ex? What’s sadder is this isn’t possible in real-life. That’s the real tragedy.
500 Days of Summer
There’s always one person in the relationship who loves more. Could it be you? Did you ask your partner? Are they lying? How do you know if it’s real or if you just think it is? Perception versus reality.
-Don’t cheat on your partner. Don’t ever cheat on your partner. Or the bunny gets it.
Romeo and Juliet
-A lot of people mistake this play and its film adaptations as the epitome of true love. But it really isn’t. It’s a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions. Two CHILDREN meet, fall in love and then commit suicide because their parents say no. Does that count as an epic temper tantrum?
-Horrible people do horrible things to each other. People are awful. Let’s go live alone in the woods.
After three hours you’ll want to kill yourself.
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
The worst film to watch on Valentine’s Day. The absolute worst. Why are you even watching it? What is happening?
Marley and Me (2008)
The dog fucking dies.
Utterly depraved and disturbing. I don’t even know why this movie was made besides as a ‘fuck you’ to the audience. The movie hates us. It hates the world.
Special thanks to the following Hooligan for contributing this article:
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