A Cure for Wellness – “Is not a Remedy for KAKNESS”

An ambitious young executive is sent to retrieve his company’s CEO from an idyllic but mysterious “wellness centre” at a remote location in the Swiss Alps. He soon suspects that the spa’s miraculous treatments are not what they seem.

When he begins to unravel its terrifying secrets, his sanity is tested, as he finds himself diagnosed with the same curious illness that keeps all the guests here longing for the cure. From Gore Verbinski, the visionary director of THE RING, comes the new psychological thriller, A CURE FOR WELLNESS.


“Chanelle” (Guest)This movie was so unbelievably beige! The cast was beige (one person of colour in the whole film), the scenery was beige even the food in the movie seemed beige!

I had such high hopes for this movie, as the director, Gore Verbinski is best known for his work in the thriller/horror “The Ring”
Maybe this movie had some deeper meaning that I seemed to have missed, maybe it was so deep and psychological that the storyline went over my head and completely missed me?
In my opinion, don’t waste your time watching this, it’s 2hrs and 26 minutes you will not get back. (No matter how much you argue with the staff at the theater, apparently they can’t re-imburse you for the time you wasted watching it! Ha! Who knew?)
The best part of this movie I must say was the trailers before it started! And for that I will give it a generous 2/10!
“el Proktor”It seems that every movie that comes out in Jan/Feb is either some truly Oscar worthy shit OR some unbelievably normal and bland kak. And ‘ol Uncle Prok, keeps drawing the short straw when it comes to the kakness.hello-darkness

But I don’t want to make friends with kakness.

Not A Cure for Kakness Wellness was sold to me as an intense and creepy Psychological Horror, brought to us by the “Visionary” director of the Ring (in this case, visionary means “Steals shit from the Japanese”). What I witnessed was an overlong and boringly MILD Thriller (the kind of thrill one receives from watching paint dry or grass grow or some such shit).


the Mack.gif

pictured above: Not Gore Verbinski (You damn kids better Google Return of the Mack)

 You sold me on that EXTRA HOT PERI-PERI NANDOS CHIGGEN action and all I got was some steamed ‘Salt and Pepper’ Chicken. I DO NOT WANT YOUR WHITE PEOPLE CHICKEN! (deep breaths)


So not A Cure for my wasted fucking time Wellness is not a scary ‘Horror’ Movie. I spent most of the 2.5 hour runtime just waiting for something to happen, and then when it did happen I was exceptionally Whelmed (Not Over, not Under just… meh). Then came the regret, at 2.5 Hours of my life lost.

The acting is okay though. The Editing is adequate. The pacing is what it is for a 2.5 Hour slightly eerie, yawn fest.

If you want a gripping Thriller, do yourself a favour and go watch Split instead. If you want a totes scary horror experience, go watch Ross Kemp on Gangs (Pollsmoor Edition). If you just feel like wasting away 2.5 Hours of your life (and moneys) on A Cure for Wellness, go take a look at the man (/woman) in the mirror and ask him (/her) to change his (/her) ways. I give a Cure for Wellness a SOLID ‘KAK Long, KAK Boring Build Up’ out of ‘Unnecessary Blandness with a MEH Ending’.


PS: Dear John Wick 2, please don’t be KAK. Uncle Prok needs you to not be KAK, so that his JAN/FEB movie choices aren’t a complete shit show. Thanks.

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