Rings – “From the Majat Jeweller”

A young woman becomes worried about her boyfriend when he explores a dark subculture surrounding a mysterious videotape said to kill the watcher seven days after he has viewed it.

She sacrifices herself to save her boyfriend and in doing so makes a horrifying discovery: there is a movie within the movie that no one has ever seen before.

Review

“El Proktor” – Who the Fuck took the scary out of Horror Movies!?

Once upon a time, I used to love getting my terrified on, thanks to the horrors of my youth (the movies, not the repressed memories). Sadly, the same old shit just no longer scares me. The last ‘Horror’ Movie I properly enjoyed was 2012’s Cabin in the Woods, but only because of how Meta it was.

giphy

Also, because of how dumb Thor’s death was! Uh, spoilers… I guess.

Maybe it’s just me. Jump scares and really shitty decision making just don’t do it for me anymore. Do you want to know what terrifies me these days? Things like insurmountable mountains of financial debt, the concept of a lifetime of Alimony payments, and gentlemen of the Mongrel family that offer you bread and a bed…

mongrel

Because that’s how you get married in prison Kids!

So Anyways, the Ring…

2002’s the Ring was perhaps one of the better things the ‘Muricans ever stole from the Japanese (and subsequently whitewashed). It marked a great shift into more psychological Horror Movies. The problem is they just kept doing the same shit for every subsequent Psychological Horror Movie Rip-off, marking a descent into KAKNESS (KAK, KAKKER, en KAKKERER)

On the real though, can someone please just get this poor Japanese Caucasian Girl a Spa Day? Maybe Samara would be slightly less evil if she just got her Hair did (maybe a Perm, or some layering to add volume). I’m sure some moisturiser and a tan would just make her day.

Turning this:

samara.gif

Into this:

tabitha

Srsly, go Google The Ring’s Cast.

So Anyways, Rings…

It’s not a bad movie OR a particularly good one. And this is the problem. Rings just is; it’s not scary and it’s not so bad it becomes hilarious. The Jump scares are utterly predictable, the acting is just okay (all of the overplayed Horror Tropes are here), the plot involves many, many dumb decisions (that Horror movies always rely on anyways), and the effects are Straight Outta Compton 2002. If you enjoyed The Ring, just go watch that again.

I give Rings a ‘MEH’ out of ‘WHY THE FUCK CANT THE FUCKING VICTIM JUST RUN AWAY WHEN THE POSSESSED TV COMES ON! BITCH, JUST LEAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING ROOM! (Deep Breaths)’

Let us know what you thought of the movie!

If you are interested in being a guest reviewer for Big Screen Hooligans contact us on bigscreenhooligans@gmail.com.

 

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