Dean of BTG Lifestyle and I decided to pay homage to Saturday Night Live character, Jebidiah Atkinson, the incredibly harsh critic that ONLY gives negative reviews. Inspired by Atkinson, this is us coldly and satirically ranting about the 2018 Best Picture Oscar nominees:
*NB. READ ONLY IF YOU CAN STOMACH HARSH, CRASS AND INAPPROPRIATE CRITICISM. IT’S NOT FOR THE SENSITIVE OR THOSE EASILY OFFENDED.
Call me by your name
An arrogant American takes advantage of a young naive boy. What is this? The Kevin Spacey biopic? Too soon? This movie violated my time worse than it violates poor defenceless fruit. NEXT!
Phantom Thread
Daniel Day-Lewis’ last film. Partly because he’s retiring after a long career but maybe they just don’t want him back after this boring performance. NEXT!
The Post
So we’re just going to pretend like we enjoyed this snooze-fest because Hollywood’s two most likeable stars are in it? I’d rather see Tom Hanks interact with another beach ball for 2 hours than sit through this mess again. NEXT!
Three Billboards
Laziest title of a movie ever. Frances McDormand tells everyone to stop fucking about for 2 hours and actually do their work. I wish she could tell Martin McDonough to write a satisfying ending instead of teasing us with good performances and a meh story. NEXT!
The Shape of Water
If I wanted an awkward woman who never speaks and smells like fish, I’d visit Nadine at my local fisheries. At least SHE knows what a respectable sexual fetish looks like!
Dunkirk
Christopher Nolan’s overrated and emotionless hogwash is a BORING war movie that ripped off everyone who paid money to see it! If I wanted to watch an engaging battle, I’d just catch the EFF and ANC in parliament-FOR FREE. The best thing about this film was the end! NEXT!
Lady Bird
So just because it’s a female director, we’re going to pretend like this is a watchable and Oscar worthy film?! This is the worst thing to come out since Kevin Spacey and all those sex scandals by numerous Hollywood stars! Way to save face, Hollywood! NEXT!
Darkest Hour
WASTED HOURS! The only thing thicker than blood is Gary Oldman thinking he would FINALLY win an Oscar for wearing a FAT suit and prosthetics! Another film that takes place in WW2. I’m beginning to see an unoriginal pattern *yawn*. NEXT!
Shape of Water
More like ‘Shape of Bestiality’. If I wanted to know how to groom, seduce and have sex with a fish aka ‘The Creature from the Black Lagoon’, I’d have googled ROMANTIC FISH PORN! It’s free and less dramatic! NEXT!
Get Out
THIS IS CINEMATIC GOLD. I REFUSE TO DEFILE IT WITH INSULTS. However, I don’t mind if you guys want to try your hand at it. Comment below if you have a cool negative review for ‘GET OUT’!
by Tashneem and Dean
Catch some Jebidiah Atkinson here:
Thank you to Dean for joining me! Be sure to support:
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