Underworld – “Blood(y) KAK”

Vampire death dealer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) must fend off brutal attacks from both the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her.

With her only allies, David (Theo James) and his father Thomas (Charles Dance), she must stop the eternal war between Lycans and Vampires, even if it means she has to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Review

“El Proktor” – Remember when Monsters used to be scary?

Me neither. But legend (and old people) does tell of a time when Monsters used to give us the actual ‘Horror’ bit in Horror Movies (I mean at this point I would settle for a little thrill even).

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(Fuqit, this movie took so much from me Y’all get double gifs. Also in retrospect, the Thriller music vid is a tad rapey)

These days, it seems like the only KAK trendy Vampire and Werewolf roles go to romance, action, or spoof comedy movies. Less threatening and more relatable Monsters are the way to go now (Kids these days don’t need Horror anymore; they need to relate to monsters, and see a little bit of the darkness within themselves).

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So if you like your Vampires sparkly and your Werewolves shirtless, then Underworld 12 is for you (that’s not actually the number of this movie, the sequels are all so bad I’ve just stopped caring about how many there are). The previous sentence is also a blatant lie; Underworld -6.82 doesn’t even have sexy, non-threatening Vampires/Werewolves going for it.

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There, there. It’s going to be alright (bt not rly)

Zero points for scary Monsters then. Also, nada for appealing to teenage girls (with really good looking Monsters).
I know what you must be thinking: Action, Comedy, Drama There has to something in this Shit Show right? Hollywood wouldn’t just give them Millions of Moneys with a pitch of “Imagine Kate Beckinsale from the Underworld Franchise in that skin tight leather suit (for sexytime Combat purposes), but with frosted tips and a fur coat, and she does action stuffs”.
They did though… Seriously, who the fuck keeps financing this kak?

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No one ever asks, “But what if the message is boring?”

At the end of it all, Underworld: Blood Wars does give us at least one thing though: It puts the Horror back into the Monster Movie genre… in terms of it being a Horribly Kak Movie.
I give the movie a resounding .

“Thato” (Guest) – If this movie does not quit making sequels, then it should be sucked out of the comic world. Its the most predictable, least engaging, actionless, time-waster of a movie. First half was spent catching everyone up, clearly no one cares about this franchise. You guessed it, in the end, the vampires win. Please, somebody make them stop…Kate Beckinsale though, hot.

Rating: stop, just stop. / 10

“Gary” (Guest) – I think this movie had good and bad points.
Good points:
• Action – I love action films
• I was tired after a hard day’s work and needed some mindless action to get rid of my stress.
• Kate Beckinsale in a skin tight body suit.

Bad points:
• Bad acting
• Plot relied on the previous movies too much, so catching up with the story was tiresome.
• Predictable
Rating: 4/10

“Ramz” – The only reason I watched the first Underworld film was because my celeb crush at the time was Kate Beckinsale. That being said, Kate Beckinsale is still as hot as she was in the first Underworld film but it was not enough to save this horrific piece of garbage. This film was bad.

The acting was comical. The action scenes terrible. The plot, non-existent. It was a complete waste of time and I encourage you to spend your time doing anything else other than watch this movie.

Here’s a list of synonyms for anyone else who wants to describe this film:
• Dreadful
• Awful
• Appalling
• Horrific
• Horrible
• Horrendous
• Atrocious
• Abhorrent
• Vile
• Foul
• Nauseating
• Bad

Anyway, I ended up getting myself a burger on the way home from the movie. Here’s my review of the burger:

A beautiful mini-steak patty cooked to perfection. Not dry but still well done.
Two slices of cheese that combined in a perfect union of flavor with the onion, tomato and lettuce that accompanied it.

It was topped off with a sweet barbeque sauce, not too saucy, just enough to enhance the flavor.
Chips on the side.

Burger rating: 8/10

“Nomad Shad” – 2016 has undoubtedly been the year of unwanted sequels and boy oh boy it sure didn’t hold back on this one! This has got to be the equivalent of getting a workout DVD for a Christmas present.

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I don’t know where to start with how bad this movie is…

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Ok…let’s try this…The movie looks like it was suppose to come out in 2009. It looks like they scraped together whatever leftover studio scraps they could use for the sets. And the CGI…*sighs* The CGI looks…outdated…to say the least.

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I'm using this again because I love this gif...and appropriate.

I’m using this again because I love this gif…and appropriate.

The plot is none existent, the action is bland, and the acting is abysmal…

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The coolest thing about this movie is that for a split second I thought Jason Momoa was playing the villain…

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But this dumbass movie couldn’t even get that right…

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This one scores a glorious nope/10.

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Let us know what you thought of the movie!

If you are interested in being a guest reviewer for Big Screen Hooligans contact us on bigscreenhooligans@gmail.com.

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One thought on “Underworld – “Blood(y) KAK”

  1. I think that's a northern pike, not a muskie. Northerns have light markings on a dark bangrkoucd, like this fish; muskies typically have the reverse pattern (dark on light). Still, it's a helluva fish, either way.

    Like

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